Scares Easier Now Than Ever

Why is it that I get scared more now than I did when I was little? Seriously, I get so scared all the time. I still have nightmares. I always think my house is haunted. Most people grow out of gettin scared. Not me.. lol I grew into getting scared.

When I was younger I hardly ever got scared. My dad always watched scary movies with me. I loved watching them. My sisters and me would always watch Chucky, Freddy, Michael Myers, and Carrie. Always. When I was little my dad would tell me about the nightmares he had as a child. Now those would scare me. Just the way he would tell them to me would creep me out!! I have watched a scary movie in a long time. I can't.. I get so scared. Sometimes I can get myself to watch those haunted shows on tv every once in a while. But I try not to because I'm always scared I'm going to have nightmares. I am a grown woman and I get so scared all the time.

I get so scared when I am home alone at night. I always stayed home alone when i was young. And when I was in high school I be home alone for a weekend. I was never scared. And now that I'm a mom and an adult, I always get creeped out. I mean my house makes creepy noises. I always feel like someone is watching me or someone is going to break into the house. I always think someone is going to break into the house!! I mean there is always a light on in the house when I'm here. Emma's lamp stays on throughout the night. So someone would be stupid to break in. I seriously freak out though. I will text Erik and ask him how much longer he'll be at work. I ask him to hurry!! I really get scared. Sometimes I try to call my sister. I lay in bed staring out the window. Checking and making sure all the doors are locked. I try to go to sleep but I'm too scared to. I will stay up until Erik gets home.



I still have nightmares. I am 21 and have terrifing nightmares. Thats why I don't watch scary movies anymore. I am scared that I will end up having a nightmare. I remember my nightmares better than I do my regular dreams. I still remember dreams from when I was a little girls. I actually had a nightmare last night. I don't remember that much. The only thing I do remember is Erik falling. I was sleeping but in my sleep I was trying to catch him. And in real life I sit up and grab Erik. I didn't even mean to. But once I realized what I was doing I just layed back down. It was really weird. My dreams get so bad that I wake up breathing hard, heart beating rediculously!! I really get scared. It takes me forever to go back to sleep. I have to place my hand on Erik or rest my foot against him. I don't know what it is. I don't know why  I still have dreams like this.

Why am I always scared?

Are you?

Family Time

Ever since I was a little girl family has been a huge part of my life. Nothing is more important to me than my family. When I was little my grandparents were everything to me. My wonderful Mamaw would take me to preschool every morning. Every morning she would make me scramble eggs, sausage, and toast. She would make a sandwich out of it. She and Buddy always took care of me. Mamaw still makes sure that I am taken care of. Sadly my Buddy left us when I was thirteen years old. He was the heart of my mom's family. He was my mamaw's hero. He took such good care of her. Poor lady has never pumped her own gas. When he pasted  I think she sorta freaked out. No worries though, my family was there by her side. I think she still doesn't put gas in her car. Well she isn't able to drive anymore either. Guess that's a good thing.

Now my grandparents on my dad's side were just as great! My grandpa and grandma! It was really funny. Amanda was grandma's favorite and I was grandpa's. Grandpa would always get onto "Mandy" if she was mean to me. He made the best chocolate milk and bowl of fruit loops. Grandma had that amazing cooking. Chocolate gravy, biscuits, bacon, sausage, hash browns,eggs and anything else you would want for breakfast. The only person that can cook like my Grandma is my dad. Grandma can't see nor hear very well anymore, therefore, she's no longer aloud to cook. Hopefully one day I'll be able to taste the goodness of my Grandma's cooking through my dad. Grandpa and Grandma were the cutest thing. Just like Mamaw and Buddy, Grandpa chased grandma since they were kids. Life isn't like that anymore. The world doesn't make men like they used to. Very few women get blessed with men who will bend over backwards to make you happy, to make sure that you have everything you need.

That's where I come to my little family. Erik, Emma, Jacob, and myself.  I want the best past, present, and future for my family. I want my kids to have the best family possible. I want them to be close to their grandparents as my sister and I were. Its hard to do that when my family is four hours away and spread out all over the country. Erik parents, brother and sister lives her, but one of sisters doesn't. And with them, Erik is very distant. He's not close with them at all. Sometimes I think I am closer to his family than he is. I have only met his "close" family. No aunts, uncles, cousins, or the grandparents. I want to so bad. And everyone is like why do you want to meet them so bad? Its cause family is the most important thing in life. I mean his grandparents are getting old and their health is fading. I want them to meet me and my kids. I want them to love me like I'm their own. I love Linda and Bob, the in-laws, as my own. They have done so much for me and Erik. I don't know where we would be without them. I am forever grateful. I want to raise my kids around a loving family. I want Emma and Jacob to get the best glass of chocolate milk, and the sick bed on the couch. The best things when your little are the smallest things.

When I was young I was a daddy's girl and a momma's girl. I loved spending time with my momma and I loved spending time with my daddy. I still call my momma everyday. Unfortunately, I'm not able to do the same with my dad. But no matter their faults, I have always loved them. You can never tell your family enough how much you love them. Never enough. I tell my parents I love them multiple times on a phone call. I tell my sisters just as much. We are close as well. It took me and Amanda until I was in high school to get close. Now with Mallery, Amanda and myself sorta got close to her when she was in jr. high. Mallery is a good kid. She has great morals and goals in life. I just hope she follows through with her dreams unlike me and Amanda. We let love get in our way. For me its working out.  Sadly for my sister its not. But life goes on. 

I feel like some people aren't made to be in relationships. I think she got that from my parents. I think my sister has alot of anger in her heart. I don't think she'll ever find true love. Once you're done wrong in every way possible there is no mending and you find yourself searching for flaws in people. She could have Mr. Perfect walk right in front her but she'll find something wrong with them. Or one argument will be the last. The argument would be over nothing serious. I think our past and our parent's past has alot to do with it. I'm not saying that I wasn't happy as a child, but we had alot of stress as children. I have had shingles multiple times. Shingles is cause by stress and is usually found in adults. The first time I got it was when I was three or four. That's why I say a close family is important.

I don't want to argue around the kids. I don't want arguments period. I don't want to drink around the kids. I want my kid's memories to be only happy ones. I don't want my kids to stress about family leaving them. I want my babies to have the family I did, but a happier one!

I want to grow old with Erik and have his and her recliners. I want us to sit next to each other and just know that this person is the love of my life and will be forever. I want to be like on The Notebook. I don't want us to give up on each other. There is so much hatred in this world. I wish the world thought like I do. If everyone would just love, life would be easier.

Mom, Dad, Amanda, Mallery, Mamaw, and Grandma, thanks for being there for me as I grew up.

Erik, my Emma, my Jacob, Linda, and Bob, I look forward to you helping me grow even more.

R.I.P. Buddy and Grandpa

I Love you all so much!!